What Is OIDV? What Really Is OIDV?

While OIDV or Officer Involved Domestic Violence may be familiar, the term severely minimizes what survivors actually experience. I have never claimed to be a writer; never claimed to have to have the correct words to explain OIDV to you, but as a Survivor, who lived it for nearly 10 years, I did gain first hand knowledge of the tactics and I was schooled by a master manipulator who was an expert at gaining the sympathies of his family, coworkers and friends by simply stating that “I was crazy”. It is not often that survivors are able to speak out in any sort of way, which causes even more of a barrier between them and the public, system and legislators that so desperately need to acknowledge OIDV for the act of personal terrorism and torture that it is.

The term “domestic violence” has been minimized by society for years. Typically, it is viewed as an act of violence less deserving than if we use the word “assault”. Society looks down on assailants who park at their local Wal-Mart, get out and physically assault a perfect stranger, however, if that victim has been married to, lived with, dated or has a child in common with the perpetrator - somehow society turns a blind eye and shrugs it off as “just domestic violence”. A relationship with a perpetrator does not equate to being deserving of an assault. So, imagine how terrifying it is for an OIDV survivor?! Survivors not only are on an uphill battle with society turning a blind eye, somehow acting as if they deserve to be assaulted, verbally attacked, threatened and much more - but also OIDV survivors are also battling to stay alive and some to protect the safety of themselves and their children against a batterer who is issued a gun and has the backing of not only society, but their city, town, state, advocates, judges, other cops and many more. The system is stacked against OIDV survivors and “getting out” sometimes isn’t an option for years. Even those who successfully leave, because many die, they are labeled as crazy, after his pension, accused of ruining “his” name and no one who is supposed to be standing up for a survivor...will.

Not only does there seem to be a “playbook” they all use; same tactics, same threats, same abuses of computer systems and legal systems, but after 20 years of survivors and investigative journalists speaking out and writing story after story, still no one in a position to change OIDV has stepped up to the plate. No one is coming to the rescue for these survivors' civil rights, their right to stay alive or to help them protect their children's safety. For many survivors, going into hiding is their only option. For many survivors, keeping their mouth shut, is their only option unless they want retaliation. In the year 2021, this is not acceptable in the area of human rights, women's rights or equality. The right to stay alive should not be contingent upon hiding and shutting up just because you once were romantically involved with someone in law enforcement. This is just wrong!

I am sure that I will forget some tactics in this statement and I apologize ahead of time, if I do, however after years of tactic after tactic, sometimes your mind simply cannot compartmentalize them all for recollection. I try not to delve back into my old notes and files very often, in fear of being pulled back into that frame of mind. It can be a dark world and so I will attempt to mention tactics off the top of my head, that not only I may have experienced, but also those shared to me from other survivors in the last 11 years.

Sleep Deprivation - The tactic of sleep deprivation is a cruel one. Abusers use this one to keep mind control of their victims. In my experience, this would be used after he started a verbal argument and just wasn't done with me. Even if I slept in a different room, he would get the door unlocked, flip on the light and start the verbal attack all over again - every hour! It did not matter if I had to get up in 3 hours to go to work.

The “Crazy” Card - This usually starts in the early days of the relationship behind your back. I recall very early on, while feeding our infant, I heard my abuser on the phone with a friend, stating, “She has lost her mind. I don’t know what I’m going to do with her”. Years later even, his co-workers treated me like I was an invalid. When I questioned him about it (since I had worked with those same people for 8 years) he snidely stated that he had simply told them I was crazy. They simply took him at face value. Friends, his family, coworkers...They all were just players in his game. The set up against me had been started years and years before I even realized what was happening. Often in the end, survivors are even deemed as crazy in the court systems, simply because the abuser and his attorney have said so. No proof required.

Threats - This can encompass a lot! OIDV victims are often threatened with “Who are they going to believe, me or you?” If a victim does finally call for help, often the same co-workers are the ones responding and they prove time again they are not going to do anything with the abuser. You find that he was indeed correct. As a victim, you are belittled, not believed and when his coworkers leave, there will be further assault on you because you dared to call for help. Threats also include those either against your children; threats to kill you, your children and your family should you step out of line. They also include threats to take your children away. Often, the court systems have gone right along with the abuser and indeed have taken the victims children and handed them over to the perpetrator. Once again, showing the victim that there is no justice and absolutely no one who will help her. Many stay and bear the OIDV just so they will not lose their children to the abuser, where they cannot protect them.

Abuse of Computer Systems - Due to the fact that there is no checks and balances over the computer systems, abusers have personal information available at their fingertips. Even should they be put on leave, their friends, family or coworkers in law enforcement will gladly run vehicle tags, DMV information and much more for them. An OIDV survivor cannot simply move. It would not matter if a survivor moved 3 counties away or 3 states away; all an officer needs is your name and birthday to find your drivers license or your registered vehicles in all 50 states. No

matter where you go, if you abide by the laws of updating your address on either of these, you can be found and the harassment, stalking, etc. begins again. Furthermore, if you have successfully gotten out of the OIDV situation, the abuser will also run license plates of those who come to your residence to find out who they are and may also harass them as well.

Battered Women’s Shelters - They’re cops, they know where the shelters are. The only relief from this is to be sent to safe houses that even the cops don’t know the location and hoping that he is not able to get anyone from the shelter to give him the information. In this instance, you will also have to leave behind your cell phone, your vehicle, your job, pull your children from school and disassociate with family while you’re in hiding at a safe house. Survivors are then left with no support system of family or friends when they need them the most.

Legal Stalking - For those survivors who are able to successfully leave, they then deal with patrols of their house or apartment. I used to watch as every five minutes a cruiser would pass my house, turn around on the next street and drive back through. Five minutes after that, there would be another and another. If you complain, you are told, for example, that’s the street they take to go gas up their cruiser… even though a rational mind knows if they were going to gas up they wouldn't be turning around just up the block. Travelling in your own vehicle, your location is reported to the abuser by any of his colleagues that happen to encounter you on the streets. My least favorite was the abuser using various impound vehicles to run surveillance from, so he wouldn’t be caught breaking the 1,000 foot stay away in the restraining order. Many times, they also use their marked cruisers, because no one in the public is going to question a police car parked for hours in odd locations. No one.

Legal Harassment - One day, they may be stealing your mail, breaking into your house, your office at work, or your car -even with evidence, it is rare to get anyone to do a police report on it. Of the several occasions I experienced, I got one. If phone or court app contact is allowed, the abuser will continue their harassment and threats, even subtle ones right in front of judicial noses, yet they will do absolutely nothing to stop it. If you complain, you are the one penalized in the family court and cited as not being cooperative. Harassment also includes being falsely accused of crimes. Coworkers that “have his back” may also assist in this and the abuse/harassment can go on for years. Every time a crime is committed, they are more than willing to throw your name in the hat and see if they can get something to stick, just to help out the abuser. The code of silence ensures they all have each other's back -against you!

Duty Weapons / Guns - In regular domestic violence situations, not all involve guns, but many do. The difference with OIDV is that the law issues him a gun! Typically, there are a multitude of guns inside the house and often they will get them out or leave them out as a display to victims. Duty weapons, swat weapons, etc. are left in the corners of doorways, against the wall, next to the bed all as a warning to victims not to step out of line. Many times, victims have learned first hand what it is like to have a loaded duty weapon pointed at them, while having their life threatened.

Job Training - Not only do OIDV abusers threaten victims with their duty weapons, but many times, they straight out tell victims (or their family members) how they can kill them and get away with it, because they have been trained. Job training is also used to subdue victims and overpower victims, many times without leaving a trace. So, once again; who are they going to believe if you call for help? When they pin your neck against the headboard with their hands, more often than not, there are no lasting marks. When they pick you up by your shoulders and shake you like a ragdoll, no lasting marks.

Friends/Family Are Afraid - Despite friends and family who may know of the abuse, many times, they are too afraid to help a victim. They are afraid, if they do, they will become a target of the abuser also and they don’t want the cops harassing their immediate family. They have seen what the abuser can do and can get by with and they are not willing to risk helping the survivor.

Imagine living this way, every day, for years, having to always think six steps ahead of the next ill-timed, insane threat or attack that is sure to come your way. Imagine feeling “hunted” by those you thought were there to “protect and serve”. Imagine having nowhere to turn, nowhere to go and no one who holds any of this accountable. This is where we are in today’s society. OIDV is not ok. It is not acceptable. It is not “just domestic violence”. It is a torturing of women and children who are held hostage by an abuser and a system that refuses to look past the shiny badge. While there may be many “good cops” across the world, there are also the bad. A badge does not make the man. A badge does not equal that person is the more truthful. A badge does not mean that person is upstanding. News reports for years, from across this country and others have proven time and again that a badge on your chest does not make a man the more honest, truthful or upstanding. Those things can only come from the person themselves. It’s time to take the badge out of it and enact change for the victims and survivors of OIDV. They deserve a life. They deserve better! We can do better!