OIDV Survivor Safety - What It's Really Like (In A Nutshell)

Seemingly overnight, OIDV Survivors go from “police wife” to a “traitor”. Once that whistle is blown, Survivors find out real quickly that protections that are afforded to regular domestic violence victims even, are not afforded to the OIDV Survivor. Automatically, you become at the mercy of police officers, who allow your perpetrator to break bond conditions of no contact, if they have been arrested for domestic violence, they are reluctant to enforce protection orders issued to the Survivor and your perpetrators friends on the force will help him to stalk, harass and torment you -even at your own home.

Survivors are told “you need to think about what you’re doing to his career”, by his co-workers, sometimes even by ranking members of the department. The Survivor is seen and treated as if they were the perpetrator, not the victim. Advocates who are supposed to support and help Survivors navigate the system designed for victims will often refuse to help or will make comments such as “I just don’t want to be involved”. Survivors are often left with nowhere and no one to turn to, becoming just a “sitting duck”.

LE Perpetrators will steak out your house, they or their friends will run the vehicle tags of vehicles pulled into your driveway, steal your mail, report to the abuser when and where they have seen you each day. They will also aid the perpetrator during custody exchanges, often bringing 3-5 other officers with them, because the Survivor is… such a threat! If the perpetrator uses illegal tactics, like threatening with a vehicle to run you over in broad daylight, no one does a thing. Breaks into your house, your business or where you work, even with proof, you will not get a report done. No one cares. While friends, family and co-workers assist the perpetrator with messages and phone calls to harass you or threaten you -no one will bat a lash at it.

We are talking about a perpetrator who was ISSUED a firearm and spent months or years making threats to kill you, your family or your children. Who may have also stated in detail how they would do it and get away with it -because no one would care. Survivors have withstood years typically at this point inside a closed door with a tyrant, who belittled, name called, mentally tortured them, used sleep deprivation tactics, coercively controlled and dictated them, threatened, their lives and that of their family, friends or children, harassed and assaulted them a multitude of times -and the Survivor has already lost count of how many times. Survivors have even gone to bed with concussions, broken bones and bloodied bodies because they didn’t dare call for help. No one was going to believe them & no one was going to DO THEIR JOB and help them. Every option available to most citizens -close their doors on you and refuse to help when they hear the words “police officer”.

When a Survivor does call for help, they are belittled because they didn’t do it like someone else thought they should have. When they call for help, they are more terrified of dying at their perpetrators hands, than they previously were by putting up with it. When they call for help, they know they have more to lose by speaking out and wanting to live, than they do if they stay put. When they call for help, they instantly lose their credibility (because they must be crazy -the perp said so!) and they lose any civil rights afforded to everyone else! (Because every place they rely on to assist them says, “We can’t help you” and hangs up.)

Courts play along and further victimize the Survivor. The perpetrator is allowed to haul the Survivor into court sometimes weekly on bogus accusations of contempt (even without proof). The perpetrator is allowed to wear his uniform, badge and GUN into even family courtrooms (despite restraining orders disallowing it or protective orders). The perpetrator continues for years, to allude going by any rules set forth by the courts and they even resort to using court appointed apps for “co-parenting” to harass, annoy and alarm the Survivor and they get away with it, because NO ONE in these family courts are even monitoring these messages. Further, perpetrators have gone as far as to simply tell judges “she’s crazy” or “she’s an alcoholic” and it’s taken at face value even when medical histories contradict their simple two words yet judges hand over the Survivors’ children to their abuser. In some instances, when children are involved in visitation, the abuser may continue to abuse or neglect the children, telling children the Survivor doesn’t love them, physically abusing the child or even failing to feed them for an entire weekend.

This type of perpetrator has already told Survivors, “I AM the law, who are they going to believe, me or you?” and the system has proven them to be right. Perpetrators will also continue to “come after” Survivors for years afterward. Open or closed court cases mean nothing to them. If the court system does not give them the full result they are craving, they will resort to using their contacts, to do multiple welfare checks randomly on the Survivor claiming they are unstable or suicidal, when really, they may have cut off the perpetrators contact or may simply be sleeping. Perpetrators will sit down the street from the Survivors house and monitor the comings and goings. They will use favors or leverage they have on other police officers in their circle to pull Survivors over while driving, obtain phone information such as the Survivors’ calls or texts, use contacts to charge the Survivor with bogus criminal charges, to lie for him in court, to cover his ass no matter how he acts or what orders he breaks. These tactics, for some perpetrators, continue for many years.

Survivors live a life of “looking over their shoulder” constantly for peace of mind that their abuser is not 50 feet away or

following them. These perpetrators have prided themselves on how long they have been able to fool everyone around them of who they really are and the Survivor becomes their target of harassment often because the survivor quit the game. The perpetrator “was not done with her yet” and until he is, he will continue these tactics. Some survivors have reported that ten years after closing a case with their perpetrator, he has returned with more false claims, more requests from the courts, more harassment. One thing Survivors know for sure is: They are not safe. Advocates often have told victims “he only said that to scare you” or “he’s not going to bother you”. They already have done harm to Survivors repeatedly and no one knows better than a Survivor, what the mentality of their abuser is than they do. Many OIDV Survivors will acknowledge: “If he had the chance and knew he wouldn’t go to jail, he would kill me”. Survivors are left on their own, with no resources to assist them and are expected to navigate a system that has left them no rights and no protections when it comes to safety.

Officer Involved Domestic Violence needs attention! Officers who will beat, torture, harass and attempt to destroy those they claimed to have loved using their coworkers, their tools and the system -- are a ticking timebomb against the rest of the civilian population who they are sworn to Protect and Serve!