My Legacy Will Not Be His Narrative

As an OIDV survivor, often the narrative is written for you. After years of merely surviving, you are tossed suddenly into a world of news media, department coverups and even dirty politics. Often, these sources print their own versions of who you are and how you are the “bad apple”; how dare you speak up for your life and choose to live. Departments send out media releases with their own narrative, downplaying their officer’s behavior and often citing words that gaslight survivors in more subtle ways. Newspapers, television and radio are quick to pick up this slighted version of events meant to downplay the involvement of the officer and direct blame or to make the survivor seem questionable, at best, in the eye of the public. Not always are survivors asked for their side of the story and more often, they are either placed under gag orders by the courts or out of fear of saying something that may jeopardize future child custody cases, survivors feel they must remain silent. Their story goes untold. Once again, the police perpetrators' friends, coworkers or subordinates are helping him write the narrative. This may be the only narrative allowed to be publicized.

Perpetrators crave power and control; when a survivor leaves, they have lost that control, even if temporarily. The perps next tactic is typically to sling mud, so to speak. If he cannot control the survivor, he will control how others see her. He accomplishes this with every news article that is written, every radio program it plays on or each time the local news desk on television repeats his departments version of events, from their media release. Just as in the relationship, the abuser still maintains control of the narrative and the survivor's life.

The promise I made to myself and to my children many years ago was that I would not allow “his” narrative to be the legacy I left for my children. Every survivor’s obstacles are a tad different from the next, and each has to choose what is right and safe for themselves. I chose early on, that I would keep quiet at first, for the sake of my children and even told a local reporter once when asked for a comment, “I can’t speak now, but one day, I will have a lot to say on the matter”. Eventually, that day came and I refused to leave my children with a false narrative of my life. I refuse to be silent and allow my perpetrator, his friends or his former work to choose who they want the world to remember me as. I am not the descriptions they have given. I am not the person they wanted to make me out to be to save their own reputations. They were cowards. Still are. I refuse to sit in a corner and allow the narrative to stand. I refuse to allow cowards, bullys and my perpetrator to write the narrative of my life that will become my legacy for my children or grandchildren someday. I am a survivor and I will write my own narrative, thank you and I will pass to my children and grandchildren the real legacy -not the one made up to keep me down; to keep me silenced. My legacy will not be his narrative...or theirs.