Financial Abuse and Domestic Violence: The Reality

When exploring financial abuse within domestic violence, one may think this only refers to one partner keeping money from the other. It may not even seem like a big deal to most people, but financial abuse can have a devastating toll on survivors for years. Financial abuse is about power and control; controlling not only what a partner has, but also what they don’t have. A domestic violence abuser can withhold family finances from their victims but they can also deny victims even basic necessities such as feminine products or toothpaste simply because the abuser controls the bank account and because he says no.

Many articles found online are matter-of-fact and seem to read more like a recipe listing the ways or reasons financial abuse is done and maintained. Perhaps what those articles lack, is a human perspective from the inside. In order for people to understand, to care, they must be shown that these are human beings we are discussing. Survivors are human beings who are sometimes denied even the right to use their own work pay for a pair of shoes or a hairbrush. These victims and survivors are dictated from within their own homes and they are beat down with words, intimidation and fear tactics; some with physical force even. They are not allowed shopping trips with their children or friends to the local mall. They must account for every cent they spend, often required to show their receipts to the abuser to prove exactly what they bought. Others are not given even that much leeway and their abuser fully controls the money; the victim never is allowed to buy the groceries or even gas for her own car.

Domestic violence victims must not only survive their abuser and protect children from his harm; she must also figure out resources, make plans in her head and try to figure out how and when it is safest to leave. Leaving is compounded by financial abuse. Victims are broke and have no access to marital money or assets. Even for those who do manage a way out, they must start from scratch. Often, survivors are at the mercy of legal aid, who may or may not be proficient at handling their high-conflict case. The survivor is denied access to marital assets and many times, the courts do not care. (In my case - I never even received a day in court for my 50% of marital assets. The property settlement simply was never put on the docket and heard. It’s been over 7 years.) There are still other survivors who are told by the courts to pay half of certain court costs such as guardian ad litems, mediations, etc. and these costs continue to keep survivors from ever financially getting ahead. Abusers enjoy the power and control of knowing they can continuously pull their victim into court over and over because they know the victim simply cannot afford it. Many abusers will even refuse or stop paying court ordered child support as a way of punishing the survivor. This takes months and months to even get on a court docket and with Covid restrictions and courts at a stand still; even my case still has not been rescheduled. The courts closed the day my child support hearing was to take place this past March and my children are currently owed 5 figures in arrearages.

Some victims are never allowed to have jobs because their abusers fear a loss of control if they maintain contact outside of the residence and victims would have access to their own money and could potentially leave the abuser. Other victims are given “allowances” as if they are a child and told what to buy at a store and nothing more. Those with access to their own work money, will notice food or electric bills doubling because the abuser will make sure they have to spend twice as much on items such as those, to ensure a short supply of money is left in the victims pocket. Many abusers will have their own checking/savings accounts, secret credit cards and loans while telling their victims they just don’t have any money. (During my divorce, I found out about accounts I never knew about, loans he kept secret, credit cards he racked up, vehicles he registered in a neighboring county and kept at the homes of friends or family -5 to be exact.)

It can be shocking to learn how much time and planning an abuser goes through just to keep assets and money all to himself. It is difficult to relay in words the hurt, disappointment and even anger victims feel both inside the relationship, as well as after leaving it when they are struggling against a system with so many layers that it’s so very hard to dig out from under. It is almost as if the years you spend inside a domestic violence relationship is the B.C. and the years you spend after getting out is the A.D. (Because leaving is just the first half.) It takes years for a victim/survivor to regain their footing just from the financial abuse alone. There is no one out here handing out $100 bills to them or helping pay their attorney’s fees. Survivors are actually having to figure it out all by themselves. Financial abuse is devastating and takes a lifetime to overcome.

For all the reasons I wrote about today and the thousands of other reasons I have missed, simply because the list is so long - I will continue to try to open eyes that may have not opened already to the complexities of domestic violence. Every victim/survivor deserves safety, security and someone who fights for them. Civil rights are not optional here in the United States; so why are abusers still able to deny rights to their victims here every day?! Why are lawyers, courts, therapists, ad litems, etc. still playing into games brought on by abusers? Is it not plain to see which party is which? Personally, it only takes me a couple of minutes over a phone, to figure out one or the other -- but then again, I lived it for nearly a decade.